I fancy myself an intrepid, if boozy, anthropologist.

Archive for the ‘shopping’ Category

My Exciting Saturdays: A Retrospective

My sister called on Friday to ask what my plans were for the weekend.  I excitedly told her “Tomorrow is fire safety day for the kids at Home Depot!  There will be games and prizes and crafts!”    Kendall:  “….. are you serious?”  It’s a legitimate question considering how differently I would have answered 5 years ago.

5 years ago, back when we were both single, back when the economy was thriving, back when I had more money than common sense, there was the Saturday morning text.  “T Cycle?”  It was meant to say “U awake?” but T9 predictive text always fucked it up and we just went with it.

Who ever woke up first would send the text and patiently wait for the “am now” reply which gave permission to actually call.  Chances are one or both of us had been out the night before doing God-knows-what and we dared not actually call before we had permission from the other party.

From there we would make our “plans”, which was absurd because it was the same thing every Saturday.  Meet at either Red Lobster or Red Robin, have lunch (and a few cocktails), then hit Nordstroms and Saks.  We’d spend ABSURD amounts of money on shoes, makeup and clothes.  We’d buy Valentino handbags and leave the store hugging them, telling them they were our new best friends and even assigning them names.  (Sully is one of my favourite handbags to this day.) Eventually we’d part ways after 4 or 5 hours of binge shopping.  Sometimes we’d do it all over again on Sunday.

Now then my big plans had shifted from the spa at Nordies to the parking lot at home Depot.  She didn’t opt to join us for that particular outing, but she did agree to meet us at Chuck E. Cheese’s for lunch.  (Again, not quite Red Lobster, but I was still looking forward to it.)

There were definitely “”Normal Rockwell”-esque elements to the day, with the whole family being together and doting over Donovan, trying think of what we could do to keep improving his super-awesome day.  Then there were moments that were just like old times…. i.e. Kendall screaming “Die you cock-sucking little mother-fuckers” at the whack-a-mole machine.  (I gave her a suitably horrified look and she responded with “What?? *I* don’t have any kids…”)

All in all, Donovan’s day included:  Building a wooden boat at Home Depot, painting said boat, playing hockey with dad, splashing in puddles, meeting some firemen, sitting in the driver’s seat of the firetruck, lunch at Chuck E. Cheese’s, playing ski ball, playing basketball, riding one of those coin-operated horses… and the coup de gras: the ice cream truck pulling up outside our house Saturday night.

Next weekend:  “The Gentle Zoo” – a project whose proceeds go to animal shelters.  It  includes, train rides, giant maze, bounce house, petting zoo, pony rides, crafts, photo ops, etc.  I know we’re spoiling him, it’s just so much fun to see him so-totally-stoked.  Almost as much fun as dropping a grand on food, booze, and Valentino 🙂

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Pencil skirts, Raccoons and Inept Bartenders.

SO…. the wedding.

Apparently the festivities started Friday night (the rehearsal dinner).  As the best man’s wife, I was probably supposed to go to that, but to be fair I didn’t really know about it.  And I had other plans.  So while Pool Boy did that, I had a large herd of friends over to watch movies, drink wine and eat junk food.  (I think I won that round.)

Being the procrastinator that I am, I didn’t have a dress to wear to the wedding yet (well, I probably did, but where’s the fun in wearing something you already own?) so I headed out for a day of dress shopping first thing Saturday morning.  That sounds WAY more fun that it actually was.  When will these damn pencil skirts go out of style??  They are NOT kind to women with massive hips.

After about 10 dresses I finally narrowed it down to 2 and bought them both.  One made me look proportional and was not entirely UN-flattering.  The other dress was a stretchy tweed that I felt had the potential to be really flattering with a pair of heavy duty Spanx.  But then, what doesn’t?

I finally decided on the tweed one, although I couldn’t decide if I looked AMAZING or if I looked like a black and white snake that had swallowed a large animal.  I’ll spare you the actual visual on this particular point.

From there I painted on enough eye makeup to embarrass a raccoon, did a smashing job on my hair (if I do say so myself) and headed out – all the while vowing to enjoy the evening and keep my mouth shut.

Actual picture of me from Saturday night

The ceremony was nice, and it was also very short (yay!)  But then the reception was a cash bar (boo.)

Speaking of the reception bar:  Worst bartender EVER.  I ordered a martini and he gave me a highball full of ice and vermouth.  WTF.  He didn’t even throw in an olive.  It’s gin in a martini glass for fuck’s sake.  It’s not complicated.  The glass is even named after the drink.  My mother in law ordered a Tom Collins and was served margarita mix with a splash of vodka.  Yikes.

Seriously though, the reception was a lot of fun.  The bride looked amazing the happy couple seemed to be in 7th heaven. I reconnected with a lot of people I had met once or twice before.  People that I had met and thought “wow, I really like these people!” but then had’t seen again.  Hopefully it won’t be another year before we actually get together.  Of course we all drunkenly vowed to hang out but we’ll see if it actually comes to fruition.  We are Facebook friends now, so that’s a step in the right direction…