I fancy myself an intrepid, if boozy, anthropologist.

Archive for September, 2011

Pencil skirts, Raccoons and Inept Bartenders.

SO…. the wedding.

Apparently the festivities started Friday night (the rehearsal dinner).  As the best man’s wife, I was probably supposed to go to that, but to be fair I didn’t really know about it.  And I had other plans.  So while Pool Boy did that, I had a large herd of friends over to watch movies, drink wine and eat junk food.  (I think I won that round.)

Being the procrastinator that I am, I didn’t have a dress to wear to the wedding yet (well, I probably did, but where’s the fun in wearing something you already own?) so I headed out for a day of dress shopping first thing Saturday morning.  That sounds WAY more fun that it actually was.  When will these damn pencil skirts go out of style??  They are NOT kind to women with massive hips.

After about 10 dresses I finally narrowed it down to 2 and bought them both.  One made me look proportional and was not entirely UN-flattering.  The other dress was a stretchy tweed that I felt had the potential to be really flattering with a pair of heavy duty Spanx.  But then, what doesn’t?

I finally decided on the tweed one, although I couldn’t decide if I looked AMAZING or if I looked like a black and white snake that had swallowed a large animal.  I’ll spare you the actual visual on this particular point.

From there I painted on enough eye makeup to embarrass a raccoon, did a smashing job on my hair (if I do say so myself) and headed out – all the while vowing to enjoy the evening and keep my mouth shut.

Actual picture of me from Saturday night

The ceremony was nice, and it was also very short (yay!)  But then the reception was a cash bar (boo.)

Speaking of the reception bar:  Worst bartender EVER.  I ordered a martini and he gave me a highball full of ice and vermouth.  WTF.  He didn’t even throw in an olive.  It’s gin in a martini glass for fuck’s sake.  It’s not complicated.  The glass is even named after the drink.  My mother in law ordered a Tom Collins and was served margarita mix with a splash of vodka.  Yikes.

Seriously though, the reception was a lot of fun.  The bride looked amazing the happy couple seemed to be in 7th heaven. I reconnected with a lot of people I had met once or twice before.  People that I had met and thought “wow, I really like these people!” but then had’t seen again.  Hopefully it won’t be another year before we actually get together.  Of course we all drunkenly vowed to hang out but we’ll see if it actually comes to fruition.  We are Facebook friends now, so that’s a step in the right direction…

 

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Sims, Spaniels and Scotch

Things are settling down nicely at Casa de Nevershagagreek.

Pool Boy’s started his new job yesterday and he’s LOVING it.  He gets to wear jeans all-day-every-day.  It’s a “come and go as you please” type schedule.  He’s already been invited out to dinner with coworkers.  The work/life balance seems to be much better.  Less travelling.  And:  FREE GAMES!

He bought “me” an Xbox a few weeks ago in anticipation of all the new games.  Then last night he brought home Sims because I was briefly addicted to the game when I first got my iPhone a few years ago.  Bless him he was SO proud.  “Go upstairs!  Play your new game!  I’ll take Donovan to the park.  I’ll give him a bath!  Go enjoy your new game!”  So, I spent the next couple of hours cursing at the complicated controller all the while feeling really OLD.

HOLY SHIT - ALL THE BUTTONS.

I finally managed to create 3 Sims that vaguely resembled my family.  That was about as far as I got.  It took me literally 30 minutes to realize I kept accidentally pausing the game.  Eventually I got my Sim go pee and wash her hands…  Then I turned off the TV and went downstairs.  They may have all starved to death by now.  Does that happen??  Anyway, I think PB was sad to see me come down after having only spent a few hours with the new game, but I really did feel bad with him taking sole care of Dono all night.  Plus I’m 30.  I think my days of staying up all night playing video games are behind me.  (OK, and I was a little miffed at not being able to figure the damn thing out.  What am I, 80?)

The adoration may be *slightly* one-sided.

Bonny is also doing well.  Sweet puppy* follows me everywhere I go.  Silly though it may be, that really means a lot to me.  I just can’t hug her enough.  Dono is also still thrilled about her.  He’ll point to her and say “puppy?” (which is his generic term for “dog I don’t know”).  The look on his face says “Um… did you know there’s a random dog in the house?  Are you cool with that?  Because I’m kinda diggin’ it.”  I’ll say “Yes, that’s Bonny.”  At which point he’ll squat down to pet her and say “niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice puppy.”  He’s pretty much the president of her fan club.

*She is not actually a puppy.  She’s actually fairly old.  But all dogs are puppies to me and mine.

In other news, Weight Watchers is still going well.  I’m continuing to lose weight!  I think I’ve lost 7.5 lbs so far.  I still have a long way to go, but at least things are moving in the right direction.

Still, I have a wedding coming up soon and I’m not sure what I’m going to wear.  This isn’t a wedding I’m necessarily looking forward to.  For a lot of reasons.  OK, 2 reasons.  First off, I’m NOT a fan of 1/2 of the couple.  Secondly, I think it’s a huge mistake for the other half.  I’m trying really hard not to judge other people’s relationships (Some women LIKE a jealous man.  Some women want to be submissive.  Some women like a man who’s trying to change them because they feel like they need to be changed.  Whatever – not all women are me is what I’m trying to say).  Still, there are times where I see little red flags that no one else sees.  Growing up with abuse gives you that special 6th sense.  It’s not much of a consolation prize, but damn if it’s not come in handy more than once.

With that said, there have been a few times recently where I found myself thinking “Yeah… I’m going to need a little liquid courage to get through this particular event.”  With that said, I found this fun little item today!  It’s from North Africa, circa 1940.  I believe (hope) that to be bone.

It's antique, which means I can feel classy while drinking my way through awkward situations!

If I can just get through the wedding with my mouth shut, smile firmly painted on my face, I’ll be fine.

Welcome Home, Bonny!

Great news on the animal front!

Patient dog. Very patient dog.

Since Potential Puppy was being fostered at a rescue where I happen to have friends, we were able to act pretty quickly.  We ended up having her delivered yesterday, which was pretty awesome!  Talk about service!  My mom was kind enough to hang out at the house while she got acquainted with our other dog.  Absolutely no issues whatsoever.  Hurdle #1 cleared!

Then Pool Boy got home.  Franny is DEFINITELY Pool Boy’s dog, so I was a little concerned she’d go in to jealousy mode once he got home, but still no issues.  Hurdle #2 cleared!

From there mom and Pool Boy went to fetch Donovan.  This was my biggest concern.  Would Franny get over-protective?  Would Potential Puppy hide from Donovan (or worse??)

Why does my hand look like that of a 70 yr old woman?

I got home probably 5 minutes after they arrived with Donovan and they were one big happy family.  Donovan was ecstatic.  ECSTATIC I tell you.  I thought his little toddler head was going to explode.  Two dogs??  TWO DOGS???  Especially since she’s nearly identical to Franny.  It was like we took his favorite thing on the planet and cloned it.  Potential Puppy was awesome.  She let Donovan pet her and cuddle her and wallow around on her and didn’t seem to mind a bit.  Hurdle #3 cleared!

Our last concern was how she would be on walks with Franny.  Would they fight?  Would she be aggressive with other dogs while outside and/or on a leash?  So, off we went.  Once again it couldn’t have gone better!!  Finally, hurdle #4 cleared.  By the time we went to bed last night I had texted the rescue to say she was definitely coming to live with us.

New Cocker on the left, existing Fat Ass Cocker on the right.

There’s a small part of me that feels guilty… like maybe Tres deserves to be mourned for longer and that maybe I’m not honoring his memory by “replacing” him so quickly.  But I could never replace him, and Tres wouldn’t want me to be sad forever.  Plus, I think he’d be happy that another sweet “special needs” animal (whose odds of getting adopted weren’t stellar) had found a good home.

The text from her www.petfinder.com page said:

What a precious face… Miss Cyrus is a wiggle butt lover! Cyrus was left at the pound by her prior owner. When we saw her sweet face and felt her snuggle against our legs, we knew she needed to come with us! Cyrus was taken to the vet where her medical conditions were evaluated. In subsequent months, Cyrus has had to have one eye removed due to injury, a mammory cyst removed and has endured heartworm treatment. Thru it all; this gal has maintaned her love for life and her sweet and gentle natured personailty. Now Miss Cyrus has a new and improved healthy body to go with her sweet sweet waggy gal smile. Cyrus is ready for a new home. She is happy, healthy and ready to share all her love with a new human, She is spayed, current on shots, on heartworm prevention and is microchipped. She has a new lease on life and would love to share it with you.

How could we NOT adopt her??  Also, if you haven’t checked out Petfinder.com yet, I highly recommend you have a look next time you’re looking for a new pet!  It’s like Match.com for animals that need homes.  If you’re only looking for a purebred, still have a look.  A shocking number of purebreds end up in the pound (our 2 Cocker’s, for example).

I’ve renamed her Bonny (since she only has one eye, I thought I’d go with a “pirate” themed name).  She’s settled right in like she’s been here forever.  She has her favorite chair, she sleeps with me at night, and she follows me wherever I go… which is awesome.  I’m so happy to have her, and she seems pretty happy to have me too!

See? She's clearly thrilled.

In loving memory of Tres, the best damn cat there ever was.

So…. my cat died on Sunday.  I know not everyone sees pets in the same way, but this is beyond devastating to me.  When our over-religious neighbors showed up on our doorstep to tell me they had found my cat and he had”passed away” probably ranks up there with the worst moments in my life, and I’m being TOTALLY honest.  I guess he was feeling brave and decided to use the dog door, an unlikely scenario I had nonetheless prepared for.  Our backyard is a FORTRESS.  I made sure of it.  How he got out will probably remain a mystery, unfortunately.

Tres was with me before Pool Boy.  Before Donovan.  Before this new house, before Chicago…. Tres was my ally for years and years and years.

The dog basically belongs to David, despite my best efforts at bribery.  (How many walks and Milk Bones does it take to win the loyalty of a freaking Cocker Spaniel???)  For whatever reason, the kid does too recently.  Donovan will be all wrapped around his daddy and I’ll ask “Can I have a hug, buddy?” and he’ll say “no!  no!  no!!!”  not in a defiant way, but more in a “please for the love of God don’t hurt me!!” type way.  He looks terrified of me!  And I’m the really patient/cuddly one!

But Tres was always on my side.  When Donovan would wake up in the middle of the night, Pool Boy and the dog would sleep through it, but Tres and I would get up.  He’d meow at me when I got up and follow me to go tend to Donovan.  Those times are the most sad now.  Times when I used to have my buddy and now I’m alone.

On the “bright side”, if there is one, Tres was a “special needs cat” and I gave him a very good home.  I realized years ago that people don’t tend to adopt the animals with deformities or injuries (Tres was missing a leg, hence the name.  Uno, Dos, Tres.)  It’s silly really that people care SO much about the appearance of their pets.  The “special needs” pets are the sweetest, in my experience.  I haven’t owned a “normal” animal since my teenage years.

With that said, we’d been planning to get another dog for a while.  Ironically, I recognized how completely devistated we would one day be when Franny (our current dog) died, and I knew we wouldn’t have the heart to get another one after she passed, so I wanted to get one now even though Franny’s still pretty young.  I can never be without a pet!

Since I’m sort of left all alone now, the odd man out from the Pool Boy-Baby-Dog club, I’ve decided that I’M going to get a dog now.  Nothing could ever replace sweet Tres, but it’s just so lonely recently.

Then a friend of mine called – their rescue has a one-eyed Cocker Spaniel.  She looks JUST like the dog we have, only she’s missing her left eye.  We still have a few hurdles to cross – how will she get along with the Cocker spaniel we already have?  How will she deal with Donovan?  She’s coming over to meet us tomorrow.  I really hope things work out…

 The rescue said she’s just the sweetest dog in the world, but she’s fallen victim to “black dog” syndrome.  For whatever reason, black dogs tend to get overlooked at adopt-a-pet’s.  Especially one-eyed black dogs.  I’m an emotional mess, and I’m falling a little bit in love with her just looking at her picture.  She looks like she needs me as much as I need her.

However, if all goes well and we adopt her and she also decides that Pool Boy is the only human in the house worth knowing, I’ll REALLY be upset.  I plan to keep him completely away from her for at least the first month.  MY DOG, DAMMIT!

Wish me luck, everyone.

 

It’s Friday! Here’s what I learned this week:

This week marked my reluctant entrance in to the world of cloth diapers.

Not REAL cloth diapers with safety pins and all that, but the modern day ones that don’t require a degree in geometry to fold properly.  The ones with built in elastic and snaps at the waist.

There’s nothing about me that’s hippie or granola or even remotely environmentally friendly to be honest, so I never thought I’d be ordering something called “hemp inserts”… but desperate times, my friends.

random water buffalo.

Probably 4 months ago we started having issues with Donovan soaking through his diaper at night.  Turns out that he, like me, has the bladder of a water buffalo.  This means he’ll be handy on road trips when he’s older, but in the meantime it just amounts to washing lots of sheets.  We tried going up a size in diapers, trying 2 different “overnight” varieties, we tried the “pull up” ones meant for older kids (they fit him fine) but NOTHING was working.

In researching online someone suggested cloth diapers because you could just double the inserts and *poof!* no more puddles.  The online world of cloth diapers is a dark and scary one, filled with too-many options and what I believe to be some sort of secret code.  I finally just picked a “value pack” from FuzziBunz and hoped for the best.  Some value tho, those bad boys are FREAKING EXPENSIVE.

At any rate, I waited and waited and waited but they never came.  Eventually I called the company for a refund, which they promptly gave me.  A week or so after that, my massive package of diapers came.  I called the company to get a shipping label to return them, but I never got one, so I tossed the package in my trunk and forgot about them until last weekend when I decided “what the hell, I’m down with free diapers”.

Is this where I'm supposed to put the diaper? Something doesn't look right...

What I learned:

  1. Pool Boy is sort of “waiting this one out” and clearly sees it as just another of his wife’s crazy ideas.
  2. Once you utter the phrase “just dump the solids out in the toilet” to your husband, you’re totally alone in diaper-duty from that point forward.
  3. They’re cute enough that he can roam around the house in just his diaper without being called “white trash baby” by my sister.
  4. They actually work well as overnight diapers!
  5. They also work as hats.
  6. You’d think they’d be all gross and stained after the first use, but they come out looking brand new after every wash.
  7. Whatever you do, for the love of God and all things holy, don’t use fabric softener on them.  Apparently that’s their kryptonite.
  8. Knowing that I’m doing slightly less damage to the environment than usual is a nice feeling.
  9. So is saving money every time I use one instead of a disposable.
  10. The most important thing:  They allow you to coordinate your child with your decor.  And isn’t that what we all look for in a diaper?

Random musings for a Tuesday that feels like a Monday.

  • I actually lost some weight last week, in spite of the booze & BBQ-filled weekend I had.  Go Weight Watchers, go!  I also online-friended my buddy Nicole up in Detroit who is doing WW with me.  I’m not sure what being WW friends does for us, but I hope it sends her messages each week that say something like “Hi Nicole!  We noticed your friend Sarah gained 2 lbs last week.  Why don’t you pop over to her page and call her a fatass to help keep her motivated?”  That would be HILARIOUS, but I doubt that’s a function of the program somehow.  Nicole would totally do it, though.
  • I am now friends with Nicole on Facebook, Google +, Pinterest, Weight Watchers, the Andriod Chat thingy we have on our phones and possibly Spotify and/or Twitter… it’s a little absurd to be honest.  I belong to too many “things”.  Just show me a bandwagon and I’ll jump right on.
  • Pool Boy has just accepted a job with a major Video Game company.  This means that he now has an endless supply of free video games and I have an endless supply of free high-tech toys given that I work for a toy/robotics company.  I feel this has increased our geek-quotient exponentially.  Excellent.  I feel this has also increased the chances that Donovan will be SPOILED-SPOILED-SPOILED when he grows up if we’re not careful.
  • The Booze Cruise was fun, but I’m starting to feel really old on trips like that despite being one of the youngest people there.  As much as I love to drink (and believe you me… I do love to drink) I don’t like getting drunk.  I also don’t particularly like drunk people.
  • The high point of the booze cruise was when our sexy-yet-ditzy driver was supposed to pick us up at the dock.  This is a TINY marina that should be impossible to get lost in.  In theory, it should also have been easy to spot the 4 of us sitting alone in the middle of an empty parking lot on top of our coolers.  After about 30 minutes of trying to figure out where the hell he was, Pool Boy took off on foot to try and find him and guide him back to us.
             Driver:  I’m at the gate but it’s locked up.
             Me:  Then you’re at the wrong gate.
             Driver:  But this is where Sarah told me to go!
             Me:  … but I’m Sarah.
             Driver:  Are you on a boat?
             Me:   No…?
             Driver:  I can see boats from here.
             Me:  Yes.  This is a marina.  That doesn’t help us any.
             Driver:  Oh wait, we’re good!  John is here!
             Me:  Who the hell is John?
             Driver:  Sarah’s Husband!
             Me:  Ok… Again, I’M SARAH.  Also, my husband’s name isn’t John.
This is funny because we use this guy ALL THE TIME.  We all know each other really well.  We’re even Facebook friends at this point.

Children’s chairs: before and after

A couple of months ago, my mom found “some children’s chairs” at Goodwill for $2 a piece, so she called and asked if I wanted them for Dono.  “Sure!” I said.  If there’s one thing kids love, its small versions of grown-up things.

Note to self: In the future, ask mom to quantify "a few".

A few days later, mom shows up at my house, her SUV cram-packed with small wooden chairs.

My first thought was “how am I going to explain ALL these tiny chairs too Pool Boy?”  Fortunately he quit looking for explanations years ago and just rolls with it now.

7 of the chairs are identical and 2 are slightly “fancier”.  I immediately invisioned having all of the major holidays at our house, complete with a proper children’s table including these adorable little chairs.    To be fair, PB does have a massive family with several children under the age of 4, so there’s a good chance these chairs will be actually put to use at least a few times.

"We've had a hard life."

The only problem is that they weren’t in great shape.  They had  belonged to some school where they were apparently used and abused for years.  Still, once the screws were tightned they were sturdy enough to easily hold me and/or PB, so the only thing left to do was cover up their battle scars. 

In an effort to NOT spend tons of money on $2 chairs which will likely be used a few times at most, I started looking around the house.  I had navy paint left over from my dumpster-desk project and 2 other shades of blue left from the bathroom spruce up.  My first thought was to paint each chair a solid color, but then I decided they might look a little disjointed all sitting together.  So instead, I decided to colorblock them and mix up which colors went where with each chair.  That way they will coordinate but not be too matchy-matchy.  I think the final result is sort of Ralph Lauren-esque, if RL made tiny little chairs!